Stand By Me
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Deep in the dark woods, Noctis prays for guidance. Sometimes, it's okay to ask for help.
When the night has come and the land is dark, they say some really cheesy stuff happens when the moon is the only light you'll see. So being the connoisseur of fine cheeses that he was, Noctis decided to put that rumor to the test. He grabbed his trusty cheese knife that was given to him by his friend Olaf (who was incidentally killed during a Darkspawn attack, but not killed by the Darkspawn; he was squashed by a wheel of jumbo cheese while fleeing) and embarked into the woods via his Tesla electric aerocar.

After a really bumpy ride, Noctis arrived in the center of the woods where an altar rested between two sequoias. He approached the altar that glowed in the pale moonlight and kneeled in silent prayer. After several moments, he ceremoniously placed the cheese knife onto the altar and chanted the ancient hymn that has been sung throughout the aeons:

 _Gotta get up_

 _Gotta get goin'_

 _Gonna see a friend of mine_

 _He's round and he's fuzzy_

 _I love him because he's just..._

At that moment, the sky went completely black and the earth quaked with the force of ten atomic explosions.

"Who hath summoned thy Lord Grand Poohbah?" thundered the voice of the most holiest of gods.

"I am Noctis, the Rockstar Brooding Prince From Yonder Latin City," Noctis declared with an air of superiority.

The almighty lord was not pleased with Noctis's hubris. "How dare thee summon thy God with naught but smugness in thy breast! Spake unto me thy foolish intentions!"

Noctis bowed deeply to the offended god, immediately regretting his prideful introduction. "I beg for your forgiveness, Lord Grand Poohbah. I have summoned you in desire of cheese."

"Thou desires cheese?"

"Yes."

"Yet thou does not bequeath unto thy Lord Grand Poohbah the Holy Sticks?"

"Well, I have this knife..." Noctis quickly grabbed the Olaf knife and offered it ceremoniously to the Lord Grand Poohbah, who again was not pleased.

"Thou dost insult thy Lord Grand Poohbah with such filth?" The irate god took the cheese knife and chucked it at one of the nearby sequoias. It subsequently hit a beehive, which fell on top of Noctis and covered him in honey. The bees got pretty mad that their home and honey was now a new fashion statement for the Latin pop star prince guy. Since they weren't offered a piece of the royalties, they decided to sue (sting) Noctis, who happened to have an allergy to lawsuits.

A couple of adrenaline shots later and Noctis was back wheeling and dealing with God Almighty. "Listen, all I want is some cheese, your Holy Excellency. Can you find it in your vast, benevolent, merciful heart to grant my wish or what?"

The Lord Grand Poohbah thought to himself for a moment. He thought and he thought and he thought and he thought. He then came to a most glorious epiphany. "Foolish child! Thou dost desire cheese, yet cheese thou dost already possess!"

Noctis was confused. "I don't understand, High Lord Poobah, sir. I think I would know if I had some cheese to sprinkle on my pizza or layer between my ham and mayo."

"Ho, ho, child!" the Lord High Lord Poohbah guffawed. "Thou dost not require pizza or ham or mayo! What matters most, child, is what lies within thy breast!" The Holy Poohbah poked Noctis in the chest. "Cheese comes from within, child, and you have been given abundant and pungent cheese enough within thy breast!"

In wonderment at the revelation, Noctis touched a hand to his heart. "I think I understand now..." he uttered. "Cheese is in my heart."

His Eminence the Poohbah nodded knowingly. "Latin man-child of the Latin city and the Latin pop band, you have been chosen to open the Door to cheese! The cheesiest of cheeses! Bequeathed upon thy soul is the destiny of the cheese! May the pungent stench forever stink upon thee!"

And with that awe-inspiring speech, the Lord Grand Poohbah disappeared into a puff a smoke, leaving Noctis to reflect over his epiphany.

Meanwhile, somewhere very far away from Noctis and his funky cheese, Roo was chillin' on the beach with some lactose intolerant pals.

The end.


End file.
